I was 23 years old when I got married. I had a nearly 2 year old baby (toddler, what-the-fuck-ever) and literally no life experience at all. I was terrified of being a single mom and ready to "settle down" (whatever that means). I wanted to get married and start this thing all of my family talked about, called A LIFE. I wanted A LIFE. I wanted A FAMILY. But mostly what I wanted was to get the fuck out of the small town I grew up in and get AWAY from my insane, baby thieving Mother.
So I met this guy. At a really, REALLY dangerous type redneck ass bar. It was my favorite. I love those type of places. They were nice to me, and the had karaoke...my weakness. So I walk into this bar, which is practically empty. My second time ever in there. And there is this guy. In my fucking chair at the end of the bar, next to where the bartenders hang. That was MY spot. So I walked right over and sat down. Ordered a Patron margarita. I sit there for a few minutes...quiet. He finally turns his head and looks at me. Says, "Why are you here, drinking alone?" and I told him, "I just got dumped for the first time." which was a total lie. Sort of. I had gotten dumped that day but it wasn't the first time. Just the first time as an adult. Which makes it technically my first time anyway.
He turns to me and said, "My wife just killed herself. I win."
What I SHOULD have done is RUN THE FUCK AWAY RIGHT THEN. But nooooooo, everybody has bad shit happen to them, right? Your wife committing suicide isn't a RED FUCKING FLAG is it?
Fast forward to a few months later and we've moved in together, and are engaged. Yep. Fast forward to three months later and we have arrived at the Red Wedding.
This shit was a sight for redneck eyes. Let me give you a little backstory on me.
I worked for a florist for five years. I arranged weddings, make floral arrangements, planned weddings, etc. And for my OWN wedding I didn't give two shits to do any of that. I just didn't care about it.
I bought a dress for $20 from David's Bridal. A red dress. That I didn't even try on. I wasn't allowed to look at the actual wedding dresses, which was pretty okay with me seeing as we were getting married at his mother's house. Which was falling down. Literally. Falling down. His mom was ill, and couldn't get out of bed for more than about ten minutes. It was basically the only place we could get married and she be able to attend.
She had never been able to attend any of his previous weddings. All FOUR of them. I WAS HIS FIFTH WIFE. I found out when we got divorced. But I digress.
We had his family bring food from the local grocery store bakery. Our cake said "Happy B/Wedding" in pink icing with glitter and stuff. Whatever. His family came. Some of mine came. We put up a twenty year old dusty blue curtain to serve as our "backdrop" and a preacher that was almost as old as God himself, Zenus, married us. He never even cracked the Bible. Afterwards he told me, "Only whores wear red dresses in a wedding..." and I looked at him and said, "Mr. Zenus, I think it's pretty clear I am not a virgin. My daughter is right over there..." and pointed to my sweet little Peanut. He scowled at me. I guess I wasn't good enough for his backwoods ass version of Christianity. Whatever.
The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We were in and out of the "wedding" in about an hour. I later sold my Red Whore Wedding Dress at a yard sale for fifty bucks. So I made a profit. Woot.
We were married for about five years I think. The divorce was quick, but he still stalks me. It's annoying.
It's been over two years since the divorce. And I've been dating this great guy. I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I believe that you don't "have" to get married, that a long-term commitment can be achieved without the fluffy ass dress or expensive cake. But Boyfriend makes me think that maybe he might want that. He's never been married before. Maybe he does want that. I don't know. We don't talk about it too much...probably because all I've ever said publicly is that I don't want to get married again. But I know that if he asked I would say yes.
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