Let's talk about how fucked up my sleep cycle is. I have horrible insomnia. And before you go telling I need Melatonin, Ambien, Lunesta, warm milk, chamomile tea....I've already tried it. All of it. Every single thing probably ever invented in the whole wide world for insomnia -- I've tried it. In fact, I took some Melatonin about three hours ago. I'm wide awake, obviously.
I'm allergic to Ambien. Not the 'Oh I'm still awake so I'm having hallucinations' type of fake allergic that Adderall fueled sorority girls talk about over their Starbucks frappes and skinny jeans. Hahah....I WISH A BITCH WOULD HALLUCINATE. Instead, I get these disgusting hives all over my body. Everywhere. And I faint. I straight up pass the fuck out. It was super fun finding this out, too.
I was in the hospital for your everyday, routine mental health checkup. (Doth thou detect sarcasm?) I couldn't sleep. At the time, Ambien was still relatively new, so the doctor prescribed it -- along with what seemed like a thousand other things -- and, duh, I took it. I didn't sleep. I didn't hallucinate. I stayed up all night watching VHS copies of The Big Lebowski and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
(They allowed my mom to bring my VHS collection of movies to me....I complained that I couldn't sleep and watching these movies that were so familiar to me might give me some comfort....heh) The next morning I was on probably the most uncomfortable couch type apparatus I've ever been on, watching The Big Lebowski, when the nurse called me to take my morning medication. I had been on that couch all night long, watching movies. She looked at me and immediately sucked her breath in through her teeth and came out from behind the plexiglass window used to issue meds. (Apparently I was in the looney bin with some folks who had been in jail?) She put her arm around me and steered me towards my room carefully. Thankfully I was pretty bitchy so I got the pleasure of a private room. She directed me to the bathroom and instructed me to remove my shirt. Immediately I was alarmed, because why is this fucking stranger trying to look at my tits? So I resisted a little but eventually I stripped my shirt. While I was at it I took off my pants too....what's the point in just being topless? Again, she sucked her breath in through her teeth and then spun me around to face the mirror. I had these awful, giant red blisters all over my body. My forehead to the tips of my toes were covered in red, splotchy patches. They didn't hurt, they didn't itch, but they sure as fuck didn't look very cute. Ambien was the only thing added to my prescription diet, so it was the variable.
So yeah. Very, very allergic to the Ambien. Melatonin and I have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes it really works for me, sometimes it makes me want to vomit, and sometimes it makes me hyper. I have ADHD and I don't take medication for it. When I did, I actually slept quite regularly. I would pass right out the minute the medication wore off and wake up almost exactly 7.5 hours later. I should probably look into taking that stuff again...except it makes me kind of pissy. I don't want to be pissy.
Chamomile tea is for pussies. I said it. Come at me bro. I'll fall asleep after three pots of coffee faster than I will a cup of stupid flower tea.
Lunesta really doesn't work for me. At all. None. The last time I took Lunesta, it was two Christmases ago. I was fighting with Boyfriend and we had broken up, so my heart was shredded -- as was his, because we're still together -- and I couldn't sleep after all the shock of everything. So I took a Lunesta and went to bed with a movie. Sounds like a reasonable request to want to sleep for a little while after a life-altering event like that, right? My body wasn't ready. I took the Lunesta around 8 p.m. At 12 midnight I was still wide awake, crying, staring at my ceiling fan, thinking about everything that had happened, what I did wrong, what could I do to make it better in the future, why my ass had gotten so fat, would it continue to get so fat, what about those plans I had for my life, why doesn't anyone love me, I am a horrible person, horrible mother, horrible sister, horrible daughter, I need a cat, I miss my dog...the usual cycle I go through at night. I decided I would take some Melatonin -- along with my regular meds, including Klonopin -- and take my ass to sleep. Three hours later I was STILL wide awake, contemplating all my horrible life decisions. So I packed a bag or two, wrote a note for my mom, wrote a letter for my Peanut, and hopped in my car and drove to my family in Nashville.
I drove five hours to Nashville after consuming Lunesta, Melatonin, AND Klonopin. Sleep meds DO NOT FUCKING WORK on me.
You know what does? Snoring. Specifically, Boyfriend's snoring. Something about his snoring puts me right to sleep. Sometimes he doesn't even need to be snoring, he just needs to be in the general proximity and I am immediately calmer. It's so strange, I've never experienced anything like it before. Nobody has ever been able to make me feel calm just by knowing they are near me. Not my Mom, not my ex-husband (BWAHHAHA -- nobody ever felt calm around that mother fucker, trust.)...nobody. And we don't live together. We haven't gotten to that part yet. So the night's he is with me, I sleep so well. And the nights he isn't...well, I don't. It's not his fault, so don't go reading this thinking I'm blaming someone else for my problem that I've had since I was twelve. Nope. I just think it's kind of nice that there is a person out there in the world that can make me feel calm enough to just fall asleep. And I think I do that to him too, because we sure do sleep a lot. Since my work schedule is kind of insane and sometimes I work at midnight and and sometimes I work at 8 a.m. I have the most fucked up sleep schedule ever. I will get the best sleep ever from about 5 - 9 p.m., stay up until 3 a.m., wake up at 6 a.m., and GO GO GO GO GO from 6 am to 5 pm when I pass out again. Or should I say when I WANT to pass out again. More often than not I am working during these hours, or doing homework with my Peanut, cooking, grocery shopping, etc, and can't sleep....which sucks balls. I think my Circadian rhythm is mad at me.
Now....if you have any tips or tricks that don't involve meditation -- I am FAR TOO ADHD FOR THAT -- or any of the aforementioned remedies, I would LOVE to hear them. I am always open for ideas.
Sweet dreams, ya'll.
K
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