I decided to download Tinder.
I know. I KNOW. I know. Trust me, I know.
But it was (basically) for shits and giggles, so why the fuck not? I'm grown-ish. So I downloaded the app. I was sick to death of reading about this treacherous app, the horrible dates, the awful dick pics, and not being able to see for myself. Ya'll know me, I'm curious.
The first five minutes I had the app I had secured my first Tinder Date! What was the Big Fucking Deal everyone was whining about? I had no clue. I really didn't.
So I agreed to an afternoon of kayaking with a really nice looking older-ish guy, Kayak Guy. Kayak Guy was in his 40's (definitely in my wheelhouse) and was really really respectful. Not at all what I had been led to expect. So I agreed to a date. Kayaking is pretty innocent, amiright?
NO. NO IT IS NOT.
Kayak Guy picks me up at my place ( I KNOW, I should have told him to meet me somewhere public. Shit guys, my bad.) He picks me up in a Jeep CJ5 -- I LOVED HIS JEEP. I'm pretty sure that's why I even talked to him in the first place. That Jeep was dope as fuck. Kayak Guy picked me up and drove me over to his place to pick up the kayaks. He seemed pretty normal (as far as internet dates go, anyway). We talked about life, kids, jobs, and Jeeps. Normal shit. He seemed pretty comfortable, I was pretty comfortable, it was working! I was thinking, "THE FUCK, GUYS?! TINDER PEOPLE ARE NORMAL."
We talked about our shared love of craft beer and decided to make a pit stop at the local beer snob store. Discovered we both loved the same beers and we admittedly went a little nuts at the store, buying a case and a half of beer. Yep. A case and a half.
We head to his place. His house was HUGE. Legit, HUGE. He had kids, but not 100% of the time. His house was very....impressive. And pretty intimidating, because, you know, I live with my mom. By choice. Yeah.
So we are chilling at the house and pre-gaming a few beers. I make friends with his cute ass little dog, Dog, and I ask if Dog can come with us. (he was really fucking cute) We load up.
He's already got the kayaks ready, and he's told me that he's an Engineer with the Government. (I was scared. THE GOVERNMENT) so I totally trusted his tie-downs and the like. He even offered for me to drive his Jeep! Of course I turned it down because WHAT IF I LOOKED STUPID AND FUCKED UP SWITCHING THE GEARS? I cannot have that! Nope. So he tossed me the keys to his GOVERNMENT ISSUED TRUCK -- which had the kayaks in the back -- and we were on our way.
Sort of.
While I was backing out of his driveway I accidentally ran over his neighbor's STONE MAILBOX. Made of STONE.
BIG. ASS. STONE.
On top of destroying his neighbor's big fucking mailbox, I ram the mailbox so hard with one of the kayaks that it SHATTERS the back glass in his government issued truck.
OH MY FUCK. FUCK MY LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO?
Thankfully, he hops out of the Jeep laughing, so I start laughing too. The neighbor comes out, and he's laughing as well. I was completely embarassed. I have never, in my life, managed to destroy not only a person's property, but THE GOVERNMENT'S PROPERTY AND THEIR NEIGHBOR'S PROPERTY TOO.
All I could think about was, "This is exactly why I downloaded Tinder. I knew it was gonna be weird. I know how awkward I am. Just be cool."
Kayak Guy and The Neighbor decide on when/where they are going to fix the mailbox and we are on our way kayaking.
The actual kayaking part was FUN. I would LOVE to do this again! I made a complete ass out of myself by falling out of the kayak several times, and I STILL, nearly three months later, have bruises from it, but I very much enjoyed myself.
SOMEONE TAKE ME KAYAKING
I PROMISE I WON'T BASH YOUR VEHICLE OR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S MAILBOX. PROBABLY.
So far, so *meh* for the Tinder Dates.
K
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