I AM KHALEESI.

Found this gem in my Reddit account.

It's old.

But still funny.

You guys wanna hear some really funny stuff? Earlier I posted about problem clients and having gallbladder pain.

I had been texting boyfriend all day asking about his gallbladder removal experience because hey, sometimes you need a friend, amiright? He's older, experienced with...aging...I figured he could at least talk me through it.

And it was bad. It friggin hurt. Boyfriend was on standby... Literally. Waiting for me to be done to whisk me off to the ER. I was doubled over. It was rough.

I finished three of the five -- it was originally four -- clients (the color one tried to haggle a la 'my mom is the manager at Sally's ::rotflmao::) and rescheduled the remaining two for tomorrow. Immediately collapsed. In pain. Felt like an alien trying to claw it's way out of my guts in between my ribs. Like giving birth to a dragon, if you will.

After ten minutes of me just lying there, clutching my (abundant) stomach, boyfriend demands an er visit. So we go.

Taken back immediately and did the whole 'no, I'm not pregnant, pee in a cup, get arm stabbed by tortuous phlebotomist who was overtired from sex and visiting a brother locked up in atl the night before' routine. Dr. comes in, touches my belly while I wince, and giggles and says, "I hope you like sur-ger-yyyy!!"

Now I am afraid. I am sweating. Hard. Get a series of xrays. Return to bed. Clutch belly. Whine about aliens and dragons. Get a shot of Demerol. GET EXCITED ABOUT GIVING BIRTH TO A DRAGON BECAUSE I AM KHALEESI, MOTHER OF DRAGONS.

Nurse comes in. I'm still pretty messed up... And says, "We have your official diagnosis. And it's gonna be OK. I promise." Hands boyfriend three prescriptions. I ask, "Wait...what? THERE ARE DRAGONS IN HERE THAT NEED TO BE BORN!" "Indeed," she said.

"You've been diagnosed as FOS."

I am CONFUSED. "FOS?"

"Full Of Shit." Deadpan. I GOT TOLD I WAS FULL OF SHIT.

TL/DR: I am beyond constipated (thanks holidays and not having time to poop) and now my boyfriend will have endless poop jokes to make for all eternity. And will always make sure I took my Miralax.

Happy Holidays!

K

Tinder Dates and Epic Failures

I decided to download Tinder.

    I know. I KNOW. I know. Trust me, I know.

But it was (basically) for shits and giggles, so why the fuck not? I'm grown-ish. So I downloaded the app. I was sick to death of reading about this treacherous app, the horrible dates, the awful dick pics, and not being able to see for myself. Ya'll know me, I'm curious.

The first five minutes I had the app I had secured my first Tinder Date! What was the Big Fucking Deal everyone was whining about? I had no clue. I really didn't.

So I agreed to an afternoon of kayaking with a really nice looking older-ish guy, Kayak Guy. Kayak Guy was in his 40's (definitely in my wheelhouse) and was really really respectful. Not at all what I had been led to expect. So I agreed to a date. Kayaking is pretty innocent, amiright?

NO. NO IT IS NOT.

Kayak Guy picks me up at my place ( I KNOW, I should have told him to meet me somewhere public. Shit guys, my bad.) He picks me up in a Jeep CJ5 -- I LOVED HIS JEEP. I'm pretty sure that's why I even talked to him in the first place. That Jeep was dope as fuck. Kayak Guy picked me up and drove me over to his place to pick up the kayaks. He seemed pretty normal (as far as internet dates go, anyway). We talked about life, kids, jobs, and Jeeps. Normal shit. He seemed pretty comfortable, I was pretty comfortable, it was working! I was thinking, "THE FUCK, GUYS?! TINDER PEOPLE ARE NORMAL."

We talked about our shared love of craft beer and decided to make a pit stop at the local beer snob store. Discovered we both loved the same beers and we admittedly went a little nuts at the store, buying a case and a half of beer. Yep. A case and a half.

We head to his place. His house was HUGE. Legit, HUGE. He had kids, but not 100% of the time. His house was very....impressive. And pretty intimidating, because, you know, I live with my mom. By choice. Yeah.

So we are chilling at the house and pre-gaming a few beers. I make friends with his cute ass little dog, Dog, and I ask if Dog can come with us. (he was really fucking cute) We load up.

He's already got the kayaks ready, and he's told me that he's an Engineer with the Government. (I was scared. THE GOVERNMENT) so I totally trusted his tie-downs and the like. He even offered for me to drive his Jeep! Of course I turned it down because WHAT IF I LOOKED STUPID AND FUCKED UP SWITCHING THE GEARS? I cannot have that! Nope. So he tossed me the keys to his GOVERNMENT ISSUED TRUCK -- which had the kayaks in the back -- and we were on our way.

Sort of.

While I was backing out of his driveway I accidentally ran over his neighbor's STONE MAILBOX. Made of STONE.
BIG. ASS. STONE.
On top of destroying his neighbor's big fucking mailbox, I ram the mailbox so hard with one of the kayaks that it SHATTERS the back glass in his government issued truck.

OH MY FUCK. FUCK MY LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO?

Thankfully, he hops out of the Jeep laughing, so I start laughing too. The neighbor comes out, and he's laughing as well. I was completely embarassed. I have never, in my life, managed to destroy not only a person's property, but THE GOVERNMENT'S PROPERTY AND THEIR NEIGHBOR'S PROPERTY TOO.

All I could think about was, "This is exactly why I downloaded Tinder. I knew it was gonna be weird. I know how awkward I am. Just be cool."

Kayak Guy and The Neighbor decide on when/where they are going to fix the mailbox and we are on our way kayaking.

The actual kayaking part was FUN. I would LOVE to do this again! I made a complete ass out of myself by falling out of the kayak several times, and I STILL, nearly three months later, have bruises from it, but I very much enjoyed myself.

SOMEONE TAKE ME KAYAKING

I PROMISE I WON'T BASH YOUR VEHICLE OR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S MAILBOX. PROBABLY.

So far, so *meh* for the Tinder Dates.

K