Failure to Launch

I once was in a relationship with a man who had what I call Failure to Launch syndrome. So many times in his life he had tried to 'make it', only to fail and return to his family home, basically miserable and alone. He was super up front about his life and his so-called failures when we met. After knowing him for awhile, I realized what the 'failure' stemmed from: Fear. Unbridled fear. Not in the sense of "ZOHMYGAWD LOOKADAT SPIDER!!" but more of a generalized fear... Of failure.

The fear in him was nearly paralytic. It caused him to second, third, fourth, and fifth guess every decision. And when he made the wrong choices he would immediately get "Do-Gooder" syndrome (you know, the thing that happens when you fuck up and get called out on it so you're on your best behavior for a limited time?) to make up for having made a bad decision.

The fear he had inside him ruled his life. And it's something I've never understood. I am terrified of failure. But I'm not so afraid to fail that I end up not doing anything at all.

The way I see it, I'm human. I am imperfect. I don't know everything. But if I try something and fail, I've learned a whole lot more about the process, about what worked and what didn't, and about myself as a person.

Does it feel good to fail? No. Hell no. If it did it wouldn't be such a dirty word. But it doesn't always have to earn such a negative connotation.

I view each failure in my life as a learning opportunity... And as you know, tuition can be fucking pricey. For as many things, ideas, jobs, creative endeavors, relationships, and even a marriage, that I have royally fuckered all up and failed at, I learned A LOT. That's worth the world to me.

I hope Failure to Launch eventually finds a way out of the fear. The Great Unknown can be pretty damn spectacular.

ISO Preparation H...

You ever fucked up your life so bad you think you'll need the fire marshal to come help put out all the fires you created? Yeah. Me too.

I screwed over -- royally -- one of the kindest and gentlest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Why? Because I'm a dumbass. Because I am horrible at communication. Because I am terrible at life. So not winning in that department.

I feel really bad about what I did. I want to apologize. Not because I feel like I need forgiveness... No....I don't think I deserve that. I want to apologize because I think they deserve it. I made some bad choices. I hurt people. People I care about. It doesn't make me feel good to know how I made these people feel. It just reinforces this self destructive carousel ride that is my life. All custom built by hand, mind you. My hands. I did it. My screwed up life is my own fault, and nobody else should have to suffer because of it. Unfortunately, I cannot live in a bubble and I must interact with other humans in order to live a productive life. So now I'm back on deep therapy sessions weekly. I am taking my medications. And I am considering my actions and choices as carefully as I can. I'm not fully equipped to adult yet, but I'm working on it.

I do hope one day I get the chance to tell everyone I've ever screwed over that I'm sorry. Maybe I will. Who knows?

There will be more to come. I just.... I had to get this out right this moment or I was going to explode. Sigh. Currently thinking that combusting might have been an easier option.

K