You ever fucked up your life so bad you think you'll need the fire marshal to come help put out all the fires you created? Yeah. Me too.
I screwed over -- royally -- one of the kindest and gentlest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Why? Because I'm a dumbass. Because I am horrible at communication. Because I am terrible at life. So not winning in that department.
I feel really bad about what I did. I want to apologize. Not because I feel like I need forgiveness... No....I don't think I deserve that. I want to apologize because I think they deserve it. I made some bad choices. I hurt people. People I care about. It doesn't make me feel good to know how I made these people feel. It just reinforces this self destructive carousel ride that is my life. All custom built by hand, mind you. My hands. I did it. My screwed up life is my own fault, and nobody else should have to suffer because of it. Unfortunately, I cannot live in a bubble and I must interact with other humans in order to live a productive life. So now I'm back on deep therapy sessions weekly. I am taking my medications. And I am considering my actions and choices as carefully as I can. I'm not fully equipped to adult yet, but I'm working on it.
I do hope one day I get the chance to tell everyone I've ever screwed over that I'm sorry. Maybe I will. Who knows?
There will be more to come. I just.... I had to get this out right this moment or I was going to explode. Sigh. Currently thinking that combusting might have been an easier option.
K
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